Saturday, July 31, 2010

heart hurts

Yesterday as i was driving a client to lunch, i became increasingly aware of this clenching feeling around my heart. It felt painful, and i tried to influence it with my thoughts, like, 'Okay, take it easy, whatever this is, it's probably stress related. Try sending some care towards my heart, imagine this pain easing away as i show i care for myself'. We picked up something for him at a drive thru and i told him i was really sorry but i had this pain around my heart and it was getting worse as i was driving and i think i needed to stop back at his house, atleast for awhile.
My supervisor suggested i get checked out, and i drove to the walk in clinic nearby. An xray and ecg came back normal and healthy. Same for blood pressure. I said the weather can make it harder to breathe, which it had that day, and the couple of days before it. I had quit smoking after new year's and my breathing was gradually getting better. I don't exercise, work in a higher-stress house now with three mentally handicapped guys who need alot of attention, care and guidance, and i can't remember the last time i went more than a week without drinking.
She said she was more concerned about my breathing then my heart. She said she'll call me next week and recommend a pulmonary doctor to look further at my heart and lungs. She gave me flonase, a nasal spray, and advair, an inhaler, which she said may produce a positive effect over time. i've spent half my life smoking, what if i did do something permanent?
It's just weird. I start to feel better, and then this happens. i sense it is stress and emotion, or those are atleast a factor of it's appearance. It felt better after leaving her office after a few hours there, but i noticed it again, although more subtly and constant, after i arrived at home. Even when i tried to sleep, it was there keeping me awake enough, wanting to tell someone or cry. i felt better this morning, but then it returned not long later.
It's been there ever since. It's there right now. I'm in my early thirties, this has to pass.

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