Thursday, April 28, 2005

The other day in my local chain-store supermarket, my eyes fell upon the sexiest house plant i think i have ever seen, i took her home and we are getting married in june. then, looking for pictures of her family on the internet, i came across this.

Dr. Wu's Healing Art

interesting, you know i'd pick someone who sells art claiming to have healing effects for a scam artist, but Dr. Wu's intentions seem aleast genuine, if his work is not a cure-all. imaginative and dreamlike, yet still comes through that simultaneously archaic and timeless reference to clarity, the tao.

healing art

Sunday, April 24, 2005

R2D2 psycho-beautiful birds

i rested in my bed in the mid afternoon, listening to the cocaphony of birds outside my window up in the palm tree. writing doesn't do it justice. These are the strangest bird sounds i have ever heard, and there's like 7 or 8 diferent sounds i can hear. it's like the phillip glass tribute symphony of the bird kingdom. It sounds like R2D2 got shot in the face, or is suffering from multiple personalities disorder. i love them, and i can't believe they exist.

Please write in your favorite things/creatures that you can't believe exist.
i can't believe you exist. i love you.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

on being spiritually raped

I wonder if other people feel like this? Please write in if so...

It's like continually realizing that you haven't quite woken up from a deep sleep, and being unsure of what waking up would entail. There are people i have found in this beautiful world who can understand ME, who can look, listen and feel WHAT I AM BEING, and can know it for what it is and even explain it with a grace which is quite simple and can give me a context for WHAT I AM, for you see, events happened to me which took place in my being, a type of experience i was not well educated on before hand. I guess i refer to trauma. And when everything you are wants to flee a situation, the act and means of avoidance become the dominant character trait, and one must realign themselves in dialogue. Actually, i'm not sure where one could draw a distinction of traumatic events happening outside of one's self and within. I mean, isn't that by definition what trauma entails? An experience within one's self? For trauma is an emotion, a human, subjective event, and emotions can run far from sence, and arising in trauma, from said events, when we call out in our beings in distress; this is when we need this sence the most.
I need some sence, and my being needs to know that said traumatic event is over, past. Done with. Except for how i continue to pretend or let it have life in my beliefs, in my Self, in the verb of I. I even find myself screaming through the haze of egotism and reaction, that "I don't even know what the fuck is going on and it's not my fault!" But it's not about fault, it's about bringing everything into the light of awareness, dialogue, discretion. And when did i start believing in guilt? what's that about? I don't know what is going on, hence let's lighten up abit. I find myself defending fear and guilt based motives which i don't really agree with in honest evaluation.
My general point of these first few paragraghs is to say that when i get it, i can see that it is only my reaction to said event still actively forcing sence out of the way, and out of genuine terror, out of a genuine feeling of terror, i say that because feeling seems to be the lesser defined place of being, when placed besides thought, and until forced into the light of awareness, into that light of purposeful attention, as far as my subjective reality goes, and with all that fear behind it, that's pretty much all of it; i'm still in said traumatic event. I'm still being put through that event.

Friday, April 15, 2005

thank you stupid phrase book

nik walked into a coffee shop today. pretty girls, oh wait, too young. oh another. not too young. (this is very matter of fact, without weirdness or embarassment which can happen, only part of the annoyance of 'where is my mind?')physicality is nice, but you have to live with your mind. busy mind. oh yeah still haven't gotten that being present thing down or that lotus position thing. it begs the question, is my mind clouded or cluttered? which is it, nik, are you dazed, or busy in there? after mexican woman i'd be happy to have on a farm with three no four children in central mountainous mehico at age 42 serves me my "anything dark, besides french roast" iced latte, i go over to this square coffee table book for people's to write their words in. most of it catchy kones like "if you do not control your anger, your anger shall control you", and basically 'life's all in the livin and isn't it all peaches' and such. and i just want to rant and yell and scream, laughter! laughter and SPILL MY STORY!! to anybody. or hell, listen to anybody. i look back and realize im genuinely curious about the girl behind the bar and not very attracted to her in the first place, i think, no that's only because she's younger and biology changes us, apparently; sometimes this make me feel cheated. i should take a poll, if you visit this site you are required to write in: Do you feel cheated that as you grow older you are no longer attracted to those people any certain number of years younger than you? what a strange experience, and then you say to yourself, 'wow, i guess i'm not in that highschool catagory any more, or that college catagory (i am already finding myself doing this, and i'm not that beyond my college years, if i had gone to college).
He feels so stupid and alive and in awe and realizing it is all god, like dali lama said, i realized i was only talking to myself. maybe i am writing some stupid phrase for god's care and wisdom to laugh at and direct to more productive purposes.